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2004-10-16 - 2:38 a.m.
pornography
For about as long as I’ve known her, my friend Kelly has been a bad influence on me. She was the one who dared me to get my tongue pierced 3 years ago. But one of the things that cracks me up about her is that she’s just not as kinky or freaky as she thinks she is. I mean, she talks about sex constantly, but she’s actually pretty conservative when it comes down to it. I remember once, years ago, we drove by the Apex, which is a porn theater in Fells Point, and she got this idea in her head that she wanted to go to a porn theater. And I thought it was funny and humored her and said I’d go with her if she ever wanted to. And we never did, although we still talked about it from time to time. But then, a couple weeks ago, she brought it up again, and this time she said she really wanted to do it, and had a friend who wanted to go with us. So this past Tuesday we made plans to go. I met her at her house and was introduced to her new friend Jess, who she works with in the mall, and we piled into the car and drove into the city. We had dinner at the Paper Moon, which I wasn’t sure if I’d been to before, but it turned out I hadn’t, after all I’d heard about it, and it was a nice place. Good food. I don’t see as much of Kelly anymore as I did before she graduated in the spring, we used to always have classes together. But we’ve hung out a little more lately, and we’re still kinda catching up from not really seeing each other at all over the summer. So there were some stories that I hadn’t heard yet. Actually, there was one story that was so bizarre I have to repeat it here: Over the summer, she and our friend Shannon ended up at this party at a hotel bar with 4ndrei C0dr3scu (whose name I am Google-proofing here, obviously), who has a show on NPR and was in town for a book tour. And these two girls who are friends of mine are straight, but when they’re together they tend to give off a serious lesbian vibe and have been known to fool actual lesbians, apparently they’re gaydar-proof, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, they hadn’t seen each other in a while so they mostly kept to themselves at the party, playing that geeky game Exquisite Corpse where they write a poem by taking turns doing lines. So anyway, as the party winds down and they and C0dre3scu are about the only people left in the bar, he says he’s going to go up to his room and order a pizza, and asks if they’d like to join him. So, innocently, they go up there with him, even though it’s like 3 am and noone in Baltimore delivers that late. But he makes a call, and then while they’re waiting, he tells them they’re going to play a special game of Exquisite Corpse, but with their bodies instead of poetry, and they have to keep their eyes closed while they take turns touching each other. Now, I’m not sure exactly how old this guy is, but he was a child during the Holocaust, so he’s pretty old, and these two friends of mine are both in their early 20’s. And I guess they innocently didn’t really think anything weird was gonna happen until it started happening. And so there they were sitting on the floor of this guy’s hotel room with their eyes closed playing this “game” that permitted him to give them the bad touch in their special places. And one of them kind of froze up and removed herself from the situation mentally, while the other’s mind was racing on how to get out of the situation. Finally, after about 20 minutes of this, with 4ndrei C0dr3scu’s hand on her cooch, she basically said “oh, look at the time, I’ve gotta be at work early tomorrow” and they made their excuses and left the room. As they were in the hallway waiting for the elevator, they heard a door open, possibly his door, and they freaked out and ran to the stairwell and got the hell out of there. So I think after hearing that story, we were ready to leave the Paper Moon and go to the Apex. The whole Apex thing is weird, because who the hell goes to porn theaters anymore? It seems like the internet would’ve killed that end of the industry by now. But there are only 5 movie theaters in Baltimore, and 2 of them are porn. The whole time we were driving there and parking and walking up the theater, Kelly and Jess wouldn’t stop giggling, and I kept asking them if they wanted to chicken out and go home, but they wanted to go through with it. So we went in and paid our $9 and the guy who took our tickets told us it was 2 hours till closing time and we could stay till then. So we found our seats and watched us some porn. And I have to say, I’m no porn connoisseur, but it was pretty subpar porn. The girls just weren’t that attractive and it was all really standard, slow paced stuff. The place wasn’t too crowded, so we were able to find some seats that weren’t very close to anyone else, which was good. Kelly would not stop giggling. At first it annoyed me, and I felt self conscious that a couple giggling girls would draw a lot of attention to us and probably was killing the mood for the guys in there trying to enjoy themselves. But after a while I loosened up and would whisper comments in her ear to make her giggle more. There was this one guy a few rows in front of us, and after a while, he got up and sat down a few rows behind us. And then, a while later, he got up and sat a little close behind us. I didn’t really take much notice of it, but the girls were kind of freaking out. Which I understand. I mean, I’m glad that they made sure they had someone like me there as a male chaperone when going into a place like that, just in case. So they decided they wanted to leave. I think they lasted just a little over a half hour in there. I was kind of proud of them for even lasting long. So, after completing our adventure, I dropped the girls off and went home. What a weird night. -al
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